Cake, Ice Cream and Hate
by Red Witch
Summary: Zim, Gir, Dib and Gaz go to Keef's birthday party. Let the madness begin!


**The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Invader Zim characters is off eating cake. MADNESS! THIS IS MADNESS PEOPLE! **

**Cake, Ice Cream And Hate**

"Gir remind me again why I am going to the stupid human Keef's house?" Zim grumbled as he trudged along the ground in his human disguise. He was carrying a cardboard box.

"Cake!" Gir danced around in his dog costume.

"No, not that…" Zim grumbled. "Yes, now Zim remembers. Stupid Keef wouldn't stop bothering me until I agreed to come to this stupid 'birthday party'. Agh! Because of **him** my aim was off! Instead of soaking Dib with acid I got some other kids and a teacher! And then we both ended up in stupid detention just because a few faces got melted off."

"Party! Party! Party!" Gir skipped happily.

"Gir! Think of this as a **mission!"** Zim said. "Look for weaknesses so we can destroy Keef! Then I can get back to destroying **Dib** and taking over the world!"

Zim stopped in front of the house. There were signs everywhere. KEEF'S BIRTHDAY PARTY! BIRTHDAY PARTY! COME ON IN AND CELEBRATE KEEF'S BIRTHDAY PARTY! WELCOME TO KEEF'S BIRTHDAY PARTY!

"This must be the place," Zim remarked. Then he saw someone else come. "Oh great…"

Dib and Gaz walked up to the house. They were also carrying presents that were actually wrapped. "Guess we're not the only ones here after all?" Gaz sighed. "Stupid party."

"What are you doing here, **Zim?**" Dib gave Zim a look.

"What do you think, **Dib?**" Zim snarled back. "Going to try and stop me from destroying Keef?"

"Not really," Dib shrugged. "Anyone else I'd probably would but since this is Keef we're talking about…"

"Then why are you here?" Zim blinked.

"Honestly I've never been invited to a birthday party before," Dib shrugged. "I figured why not try something once?"

"I'm just here for the cake," Gaz admitted.

"So if I try to destroy the Keef, you won't stop me?" Zim was stunned.

"To tell the truth, he really annoys me so knock yourself out," Dib shrugged.

"Well that's a nice way to talk about someone who's probably going to be the only friend you two will ever have," Gaz quipped.

"HEY GUYS!" Keef opened the door and bounded over to them like a puppy. "YOU CAME! YOU'RE GOOD FRIENDS! YAAAYYYYY!"

"Yes Zim has come to celebrate the anniversary of your birth…" Zim began. He was nearly choked as Keef hugged him. "Why that is a **good** thing is a mystery to me."

"Dib! Friend!" Keef hugged Dib. "GAZ!" Before Gaz could threaten him he hugged her tightly. "GAZZY! I'M SO HAPPY YOU'RE HERE!"

"UGGHHH!" Gaz was definitely very annoyed about being hugged.

"Isn't this great!" Keef was oblivious to the very real danger he was in. "I am so happy you came to my birthday party! Soon I'll be going to your birthday parties and then we'll all go to parties together then we'll graduate Hi Skool and go on field trips and off to college and have wild and crazy parties and maybe one day Gaz and I might get **married**!"

"Eeeeeeee…." Gaz had a horrified look in her eye.

"It's birthday party time! YAAAAAYYYY!" Keef ran off skipping.

"Gaz…Are you okay?" Dib asked. Gaz was shaking with rage and revulsion.

"He must **go,**" Gaz said solemnly. "Do whatever you want to him." She walked ahead of the boys.

"Okay let's get this party rolling then," Zim shrugged. They went into the backyard.

"YAY! My friends are at my birthday party! My friends are at my birthday party!" Keef ran around in circles in the cheerful back yard complete with balloons and a table with food on it.

"Look at him dear! Keef is so happy his little friends came to his birthday party!" Keef's mother twittered cheerfully.

"Of **course** he's happy," Keef's Father was very depressed. "**Everything **makes that boy happy! We give him nothing but liver and broccoli for dinner, he's happy. We take away the TV, he's **happy**! I tried smacking some sense into him with my belt and he loved it! He took my belt and whacked **himself** with it! And he was **singing** while he was doing it! What's a father to do?"

"Keef is a very sensitive, very sweet boy," Keef's Mom said.

"He's a **nut job** that's what he is!" Keef's Dad snapped. "I'm amazed anyone came to this party at all!" Both parents went into the house to argue some more.

"Now that he mentioned it, ever since we blew Keef up that one time with the happiness ooze he seems to be a bit more…." Dib thought of the right word. "Annoying."

"Yeah. That's my fault. Turns out that stuff that makes you blow up when you get happy also reconstitutes your form into a more positive outlook," Zim grumbled.

"You mean he gets **happier**?" Dib winced.

"Permanently…" Zim groaned.

"Couldn't you just have used **dynamite** like a normal person?" Gaz groaned.

"That would have worked better wouldn't it?" Zim realized. Dib hit his head in frustration.

"Oh wow! This is gonna be the bestest birthday ever!" Keef was so happy as he bounded over to them. "I've got my best friends with me and one of them is an alien! That is so cool!"

"Wait he knows about Zim **too** and you're not obsessed with him knowing?" Gaz gave Dib a look.

"This is Keef. Remember?" Dib gave her a look back.

"Oh right," Gaz agreed. "Stupid question."

"So Zim is this like any birthday party on your planet?" Keef asked.

"Do you even **have** birthdays?" Dib asked.

"Actually on my world we have Hatching Days," Zim admitted. "But we don't really give presents to each other unless we really like that Invader or we're trying to suck up to an Invader of higher status."

"You don't?" Dib asked.

"Uh no," Zim gave him a look. "Baby Irkens are hatched in batches of ten to twenty thousand or more on the same **day**."

"Wow! Imagine all the presents you'd get at **that** birthday party!" Keef said excitedly.

"We don't have birthday parties! Do you have any idea how expensive and time consuming those things would be?" Zim was annoyed. "And smeets are always hatched in a five day period and smeet production is staggered five years apart. It's always the **same** five day period every five years. Odds are half the planet shares the same birthday you do so…"

"I got it," Dib nodded.

"Look children! We have a surprise for you!" Keef's Mom twittered as a fat clown waddled out behind her. "It's Happy the Clown!"

"YAAAAYY! HAPPY!" Keef jumped up and down. "A CLOWN!"

**"Clown?"** Zim twitched in nervous fear. For some reason the human wearing strange makeup unnerved him.

"Oh great…" Gaz winced.

"WHEEEEE!" Gir waved his arms.

"Did that dog just go Whee?" Keef's Mom blinked. "Never mind! Now let's all sit quietly and pay attention."

"Yeah pay attention to my two hundred bucks going down the drain to some loser in a clown suit!" Keef's Dad yelled.

"Excuse me children. Happy go ahead…" Keef's Mom went inside where she screamed. "WOULD IT **KILL** YOU TO BEHAVE LIKE A CONCERNED PARENT FOR ONCE?"

"IT'S ALREADY KILLING ME LIVING IN THIS NUTHOUSE!" Keef's Dad yelled.

"Okay who wants to see a show kids?" Happy gulped.

"Can't we watch the one inside instead?" Gaz pointed to the house.

"MAYBE IF YOU PAID MORE ATTENTION TO YOUR SON THAN YOUR WORK, YOUR LIFE WOULD BE BETTER?" Keef's Mom shouted.

"MAYBE IF I GOT A DIVORCE AND MOVED TO CALIFORNIA MY LIFE WOULD BE BETTER?" Keef's Dad shouted.

"They're fighting over me! Yayyyy!" Keef said happily.

"Okay kids! Who wants to see some **magic?"** Happy said enthusiastically.

"Great. Can you make yourself **disappear?**" Gaz remarked.

"Heh, heh…Cute," Happy said. "Okay let's try some card tricks!"

"Cards can't do tricks!" Zim pointed his finger at Happy. "You **lie!"**

"Hmmm, Zim doesn't like clowns!" Dib took out a notebook and wrote it down.

"Do not write **that** down! It is a **lie!"** Zim shouted. "Wait! Are you two in cahoots with each other?"

"What?" Dib looked at him.

"Are you teaming up to try and find Zim's weaknesses! HA! Well the joke's on you! Zim doesn't have any weaknesses!" Zim cackled.

"Except in your brain," Gaz groaned.

"Uh maybe you should pick a card little girl?" Happy gulped.

"You mean you want me to pick a card so you can attempt to amuse us with your pointless little trick?" Gaz raised an eyebrow.

"Well yes…" Happy gulped, a bit unnerved by her creepy stare.

"Gaz don't play that," Gaz gave him a look. "I'm going to the bathroom." She left before Happy could say anything else.

Actually Gaz wasn't going to the bathroom. She just wanted to get away from the others. She went inside and spied on the parents arguing. "I'm just saying that maybe if you got more involved with your son's life he would settle down more!" Keef's Mom said.

"He couldn't settle down with a ton of tranquilizers! Face the facts! Our son is a freak!" Keef's Dad snapped.

"He's just a happy boy," Keef's Mom was exasperated. "Who probably needs a Ritalin prescription."

"I'm not surprised that our son is turning into a freak! Look at the weirdoes he hangs around with!" Gaz overheard Keef's Dad shouting. "That green kid is some kind of mutant. And the **whole town** knows what a nut job that Dib kid is. The girl seems somewhat normal at least."

"Are you crazy? That girl is the worst of the lot! The boys are just a little hyper but there is just something…well **creepy** about that Gaz girl," Keef's Mom shuddered. "And you wouldn't believe the stories I hear from the PTA on what a temper she has! And to be honest I wouldn't be surprised if half of them were true!"  
"I **really** don't like her," Gaz growled as she closed the door and went back to the others.

Only to see Happy the Clown running away with his head on fire. "RUN CLOWN! RUN FROM ZIM!" Zim cackled as Gir zipped up his dog costume again. Apparently Gir had opened it up to let some of the missiles in his head out because there was a small missile that hadn't exploded embedded in a tree. Another tree had been burned to the ground.

"I'M GOING BACK TO DENTAL SCHOOL! AAAAAHHH!" Happy screamed as he ran away.

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAYYY!" Keef laughed madly.

"Do I really want to know?" Gaz sighed.

"Depends on how much you like clowns on fire stories," Dib shrugged.

"Tell me later," Gaz sat back down.

"Okay now…WHAT HAPPENED HERE?" Keef's Mom yelled when she saw the destruction.

"Turns out the guy wasn't a very good clown," Gaz replied innocently.

"I thought he was **great!** Fire is fun!" Keef squealed.

"Oh crap! My lawn! Do you have any idea how much this is gonna cost me to **fix?**" Keef's Dad shouted as he carried some presents out. "Great idea, hiring a **clown!"**

"Okay…Uh how about we open presents now?" Keef's Mom asked a bit nervous.

"Yay! Prezzies!" Keef squealed.

"Oh God when will the nightmare **end?**" Keef's Dad moaned.

"I wanna open Dib's first!" Keef squealed. He took Dib's gift and unwrapped it. "WOW A BOOK!"

"It's an Encyclopedia of Supernatural Stuff," Dib told him.

"WOW! COOL! THANKS DIB!" Keef squealed as he looked through it. "Wow! I never knew that about vampires!"

"Great gift. Encourage the madness," Keef's Dad grumbled.

"Oh wow! A tie!" Keef yelled as he pulled out a tie from another present. "Thanks Gaz!"

"You just took that from Dad's closet didn't you?" Dib gave her a look.

"Like I'm gonna spend my money on something good for **your** weirdo friend?" Gaz gave him a look. "Besides he likes it."

"He likes **everything,**" Dib rolled his eyes as Keef happily danced around with the tie.

"Well that makes him easy to shop for," Gaz shrugged.

"I need to go inside and wonder what happened to my life," Keef's Dad walked into the house.

"Okay let's open Zim's present!" Keef's Mom said cheerfully as if her marriage and life weren't falling apart.

"Keef! This is a present from Zim! To celebrate the day of your birth!" Zim plopped his present down in front of Keef.

Keef opened the box and a huge brown worm with huge teeth leaped out with a roar. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!" Keef's Mom screamed as the worm made a bite at her and missed.

"No worm! Go for Keef! Keef!" Zim pointed.

"YAY! A PET!" Keef cheered.

"HONEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYY!" Keef's Mom ran into the house screaming.

"No Vooterian Death Slug! Go after Keef! Don't eat that missile! It's a dud!" Zim ordered.

BOOOOOOOOM!

"Huh, I guess it wasn't a dud after all," Zim blinked as the slug was blown up into little pieces.

"There goes your pet Keef," Gaz smirked. "Well at least you still have a box."

"YAY! A BOX!" Keef danced around with the box.

"I'm telling you there's a monster out here!" Keef's Mom pushed her husband out into the yard. "A MONSTER!"

"Really? **Where?**" Keef's Dad asked as he looked around. Keef was dancing around with a box. Zim was innocently whistling. There was a smoking crater in the lawn and the others were just sitting around waiting to see how this would play out.

"It was right here a minute ago! It tried to **eat** me!" Keef's Mom gasped.

"Uh huh," Keef's Dad didn't believe her. "Just curious dear. How much have you had to drink this afternoon and is there any alcohol **left?**"

"I haven't been drinking! I **know** what I saw!" Keef's Mom shouted.

"And I **know** I'm smelling some peppermint schnapps on your breath!" Keef's Dad snapped.

"That's a hard candy!" Keef's Mom yelled.

"**Sure** it is," Keef's Dad snapped. "Just like it was **last time** when we visited my mother's house!"

"That hateful old crone has **never** liked me from day one! What was I **supposed** to do when you left me alone with her and that witch of a sister of yours all day when you and the boys went out fishing?" Keef's Mom yelled.

"You weren't supposed to throw up on my mother and run over my sister's foot with the car!" Keef's Dad yelled.

"Hey! They had it coming!" Keef's Mom yelled. "They're spiteful jerks who never gave me a chance from day one!"

"Because they're a lot better judges of character than I am!" Keef's Dad snapped. "If I had **half** their insight I never would have married you!"

"Yeah well I never would have married **you** if you hadn't convinced me to go away with you that weekend to Aruba and…" Keef's Mom yelled.

They both stopped and looked at Keef. The party guests sat there innocently. "Okay who wants to play Pin the Tail on the Donkey?" Keef's Mom said cheerfully.

"Can't we just watch you two fight instead?" Dib asked.

"Yes the fight between you two is most amusing," Zim nodded. "So what happened in Aruba that made you decide to become mates?"

"Pin the Tail on the Donkey it is!" Keef's Dad grabbed Zim and shoved him towards a picture of a donkey without a tail on the fence. He then blindfolded Zim.

"AAAAH! I'M BLIND! WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ZIM?" Zim yelled.

"It's part of the game stupid," Gaz groaned. "You have to pin the tail on the donkey while blindfolded."

"Oh. Hey!" Zim was handed the pin and spun around by Keef's Dad. "What are you doing?"

"He's spinning you around to make the game more fun," Dib said. "Well more fun for me watching you anyway."

"GO ZIM!" Keef cheered.

"Ahhhhh…" Zim wobbled around with the pin around the backyard. Then he found something to stick the pin in.

"YEOW! MY LEG!" Keef's Dad hobbled around.

"Oh wait, you can totally see through this blindfold if you open your eyes," Zim realized.

"Great now I'm going to have to get a tetanus shot as well! Stupid kids! Stupid party! Stupid…" Keef's Dad hobbled inside the house.

"Okay who's next?" Keef's Mom asked cheerfully.

"I'll go," Gaz said.

"Oh this is fun! Go Gaz!" Keef cheered as the game went on.

"AAAAHHHH!" Keef's Mom screamed.

"Oh that was definitely not the **donkey's** behind," Dib winced.

"Heh, heh, heh…" Gaz snickered. "Zim you were right. You **can **see through the blindfold!"

"Hey where'd Gir go?" Dib looked around.

"He went inside! I'll go get him! Yay!" Keef ran into the house.

"That dog is in the house? No! Dog's make messes!" Keef's Mom rain inside.

"So what do we do now?" Gaz asked.

"I'm off to find Gir and torture Keef. You coming to stop me or…?" Zim looked at Dib.

"Nah. I think I'm going to go see if there are any other paranormal things at Keef's house," Dib shrugged as he took out a detector of some kind. "You never know."

"Suit yourself," Zim shrugged as the two went into the house.

"This has the potential to end up on the evening news," Gaz thought. She went inside to cause her own brand of mayhem.

Meanwhile Keef's Mom was looking for Gir. "I swear who brings a dog to a party?" She muttered. She opened the bathroom door and was horrified at what she saw.

There was makeup all over the bathroom. Gir had put on eye shadow, blush and lipstick on his dog costume face. "I look pretty!" Gir chirped cheerfully.

"AAAAAHHHHHH!" Keef's Mom screamed "THAT DOG JUST TALKED!"

"What dog?" Gir blinked. He looked in the mirror. "AAAAAH! Oh wait. That's me!" Gir took off his Dog costume partially to look at himself. "Still pretty!"

"AAAAHHH!" Keef's Mom ran down the hallway where she almost collided with Dib.

"What's wrong uh…Keef's Mom?" Dib asked.

"Dib! Dog! Green Dog! Robot! Robot!" She panted.

"Oh **that**. That's just Zim's robot helper that pretends to be a dog and helps him in his quest to take over the Earth," Dib said in a bored voice. "And yes, I'm aware that you don't believe me. **Nobody** believes me."

The irony was that at that moment Keef's Mom **did** believe him. "Did you say **alien?** As in from outer space alien? And **robot**? That dog is a robot? From **outer space?"**

"Yeah, yeah I **know**…" Dib sighed, not believing that someone actually believed him for a change. "I'm crazy. Do you mind if I check your attic for vampires?"

"Vampires?" Keef's Mom was stunned. "You think that in addition to aliens and robots there are vampires in **my house**?"

"Honestly it's kind of unlikely but it never hurts to make sure," Dib walked by her.

"Vampires? Aliens? Robot Dogs? No…I must be seeing things…" Keef's Mom went down the hallway. "That's it. I'm just suffering from stress. That's it. That's it…No robots. No vampires. And definitely no…"

Just then Zim burst from a closet, without his disguise carrying a blaster. "Prepare to **die **human annoyance!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" Keef's Mom screamed.

"Oh sorry, thought you were Keef," Zim coughed.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" Keef's Mom ran away screaming.

"Hmmm, maybe this isn't the best time to do this?" Zim went back in the closet and put his disguise back on.

"What are you screaming about?" Keef's Dad was being dragged by Keef's Mom.

"ALIEN! MONSTER! CLOSET! HE'S GOING TO KILL OUR LITTLE BOY!" Keef's Mom sobbed.

"Seriously, how much have you been **drinking?**" Keef's Dad sighed.

"Just look in there! **Look!**" Keef's Mom opened the door to reveal Zim in his normal human costume.

"I see…" Keef's Dad sighed. "Zim are you an alien?"

"No! Zim is not an alien! Zim is a **normal** human boy! Have you been talking to Dib! It's all lies! Lies!" Zim protested.

"Uh huh…" Keef's Dad closed the door. He turned to his wife. "You **have** been drinking haven't you? You promised me you'd quit!"

"I'm **normal!**" Zim yelled in the closet.

"I haven't! The dog is a robot! He said he was an alien…He **said** it!" Keef's Mom was led away by her husband.

"Obviously the kids are playing some kind of stupid game. Hey, why have the attic stairs been pulled down?" Keef's Dad noticed that some stairs had been pulled down.

Keef's Mom started to panic when she heard some knocking and banging. "Oh no…" She started to panic. She panicked even more when two bats flew out of the attic. "AAAAH! VAMPIRES! THE VAMPIRES ARE GOING TO EAT ME!" She ran away screaming.

"It's okay! They're not **vampires!"** Dib called out as he poked his head out of the attic. "They're just regular bats."

"What are you doing my attic?" Keef's Dad snapped.

"She said I could go look for vampires up here," Dib explained.

"Oh she **did,** did she?" Keef's Dad sighed. "She's really on a bender this time. Just go outside! We'll get the cake after I calm my wife down and make her take something to sober her up!"

Dib climbed down out of the attic as the adult chased after his wife. Gaz came up to him. "Have you seen the cake?" She asked.

"No, but I saw some bats chasing Keef's Mom," Dib said.

"Cool. Let's go see if they bite her," Gaz said.

"Where have you been?" Dib asked.

"Getting party favors," Gaz took some stuff out of her pocket. "I got some rings, a lighter, a couple of hundred dollar bills from a purse…"

"Gaz that's **stealing**!" Dib was shocked.

"Hey if you can snoop around the attic looking for vampires I can get some free stuff!" Gaz told him. "Might as well get something out of this stupid party. There hasn't even been any cake!"

"Hey have any of you humans seen Gir?" Zim asked as he walked up to them.  
"Typical! When I want him to blow someone up he's not around!"

Gir was currently helping Keef cook something in the kitchen. "Wow! We're cooking! And using the stove!" Keef said happily.

"Fried ice cream!" Gir stuffed ice cream into the toaster and turned it on the highest setting. There were food splatters all over the kitchen but miraculously not on a large cake that was on a table.

"Oh man what a mess," Dib said as the three came in. "Keef your mom is really gonna be mad."

"Don't worry. Keef's Mom is up in a tree screaming," Gaz looked out the window. "I think she's going to be there a while."

"I guess she really doesn't like bats," Dib said.

Just then the oven door started to bang. "Gir, what did you put in the oven?" Gaz's eyes widened as the oven started to move around on its own.

"I dunno," Gir shrugged. He still had the makeup on. "I'm pretty!"

"Yeah and I'm pretty sure that the oven coughing up flames isn't supposed to happen," Dib remarked as the oven's door banged open and fire spat out.

"Just get the cake out of here and wait outside," Gaz instructed.

"Okay," Zim took the cake. Gir and Dib followed.

"Since when do you do what she says?" Dib asked.

"Hey, it's cake," Zim said as they left the room. "What you **want** it to burn?"

"Good point," Dib admitted.

The stove fire started to grow. And then the toaster started to smoke and burn. "Oooh! Look at the **fire!"** Keef said happily.

"Here," Gaz gave the lighter to Keef. "Hold this lighter. You can do this job all by **yourself.** Got it Keef? You did this all by **yourself!**"

"Okay!" Keef said cheerfully as Gaz left the room.

"I smell smoke! What's going on…?" Keef's Dad ran in and his jaw dropped.

"DAD! LOOK WHAT I DID ALL BY MYSELF!" Keef waved the lighter happily as the rest of the room burned behind him.

Twenty minutes later…

"Good job boys! I think the fire is out!" A fireman called out. The blazing building was nothing but rubble now. "Hey! You three stop playing pin the tail on the donkey and get back to work!"

"WOW! THAT FIRE WAS FUN! HA! HA! HA!" Keef laughed happily as he was taken away in a straightjacket by some men in white coats. "AND NOW I'M GOING ON TRIP TO A PLACE CALLED HAPPYDALE! YAY!"

"THERE ARE ALIENS HERE! I SWEAR THERE ARE ALIENS AND VAMPIRES!" Keef's Mom screamed as she was also taken away in a straightjacket. "AND ROBOT DOGS! WATCH OUT FOR THE ROBOT DOGS! ROBOT DOGS CORRUPTED MY SON!"

"Clear cut cases of Pyromania and complete mental breakdown," A doctor on the scene told Keef's Dad.

"Good. Tell my lawyer," Keef's Dad held up the phone. "He told me that it's easy to divorce crazy people faster if you have a doctor on your side."

"SHE'S LOOSE!" Someone shouted.

"I'LL TEACH YOU NOT TO HELP ME YOU JERK!" Keef's Mom screamed as she hopped over and bit Keef's Dad on the arm.

"YEOW! CRAZY LADY! HELP ME! GET AWAY YOU CRAZY LADY!" Keef's Dad screamed as he tried to fend off his soon to be ex-wife.

"OH BOY! I'M GETTNG A SHOT! THIS IS FUN!" Keef screamed happily.

And the four perpetrators watched the whole thing unfold from the other side of the street.

"So let's recap our day," Gaz remarked casually as the four of them ate cake by the side of the road. "We went to Keef's birthday party. Set fire to a clown. Trashed Keef's house and set it on fire. Got Keef sent off to the looney bin. Gave his mom a nervous breakdown and broke up his parents' marriage."

"And then we ate **cake!**" Gir said cheerfully.

"It is good cake," Dib admitted as he chewed.

"This **was** fun," Zim realized. "I think I like Earth birthday parties."


End file.
